i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
