That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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