doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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