I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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