You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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