How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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