She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
