Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
