We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
