If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
