My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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