dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
