plz talk dirty to me
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
