Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
