Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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