I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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