It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
