i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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