So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
