I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
