so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
