you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
