Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
