sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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