I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Randomize
