While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
