I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
