If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
