update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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