So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize