Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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