Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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