Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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