i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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