Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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