I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
