my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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