Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
