I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
