What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
