Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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