Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
