I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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