Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My ATM looks so different sober.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
