Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
