Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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