I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
