I just cut my nipple shaving
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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