if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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