the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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