I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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