I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
