I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
