this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
