He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
