nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
