New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's the barista slut.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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